Rules to survive Shinra
by Zek88
Summary: Rules and employee suggestions on how to survive a job at the Shinra electric Company Chapter 4 has been re released as it had the wrong chapter in it... my apologies for any confusion.
1. Chapter 1

Rules to survive Shinra

**These statements are merely company members thoughts, for all shinra employees to post their thoughts or things that they'd like to be improved, all things said here are true, would Shinra lie to you.**

**Do not steal verdots coffee- Cissnei of the Turks**

**CrimsonTurk: **yeah it leads to bad things!

**Anonymous: **Like?

**Turkie: **It's scary, that's all you need to know

**Legend: **Agreed but coffees a terrible drink really.

**Do not give the President Dacaf- Tseng**

**Rod: **That be interesting

**Tseng: ***raise eyebrows* do so at your own risk

**Legend: I**t was amusing last time, too bad he found out it was...

**Tseng: **...Yes you were saying

**Legend: **No one

**Rufus Shinra does not need energy drinks or sweets to **_**'brighten'**_** his mood- Tseng**

**Rufus: **Why not?

**Tseng: **They're not good for you

**Rufus: **Mumbles

**NEVER ever give Zack Fair fizzy drinks- Angeal**

**Rod: **Oh that'd be funny bouncy Zack

**Zack: **Angeal why'd you take my stash away!

**Angeal:**...

**Reno does not dye his hair- anonymous**

**Rod: **Right...we truely believe that Reno

**Rude: **It's true

**Rod: **Really you're got evidence?

**Rude: **Yes...

**Rod and Reno are not related please stop inciting havoc- Gun**

**Rod: **Hey...wait who said we were related!

**Reno: **Ugh...I'll teach the one who thought this a lesson

**Rod: **I'll help

**Gun: ***sweat drop*

**Hijacking a motorbike does not guarantee you a place in the Turks- Veld**

**Rod: **I got in that way

**Gun: **We know...

**Rod: **Hey no one's perfect, who needs school in the slums

**Gun: **Normal people

**Rod: **Like who?

**Gun: **Me, Cissnei everyone else

**Rod: **pff...miss perfect

**Genesis stop inviting your fans to visit! - Lazard**

**Genesis: **I was using them as targets

**Angeal: **And they came

**Genesis: **Yes those fools...

**Angeal: ...**You need help

**Rufus Shinra denies all knowledge a diary that was found under his bed- Rufus' official bodyguard**

**Reno: **Oh yeah really, then what's this?

**Rufus: **Give that back!

**Reno: **Nah ah...after all, its not yours is it "dear diary, today my father..."

**Rufus: **Stop it

**Diaries are private, boys should keep their grubby hands off them- Shotgun**

**Rufus: **Agreed

**Gun: **Uh sir you're a boy

**Shotgun: ***snickering*

**Gun: **Right...

**Turks are not permitted in the 1****st**** class SOLDIER break room unless on official business- Lazard**

**Sephiroth:** Kindly remove yourselves next time Turks

**Angeal: **yes we don't need that interruption again

**Genesis: **Who was the one who liked loveless again please lets discuss it more

**Angeal: ***sweat drop*

**Anonymous: **Where?

**Taking pictures of female Turks in their swimsuits is not appropriate use of company property. - Veld**

**Legend: **They were souvenir pictures for Rufus

**Rufus: **No! *goes red*

**Red: **Yeah boss besides you can't deny a guy appreciating beauty

**Randomemploye:** Can I have a copy

**Knife: **Can you discuss this in private Reno!

**Gun: **You are dead Reno

**Red: **Epp!

**Do not pet Darknation ever, he's evil and lethal! - Blondie**

**Rufus: **Who are you!?

**Blondie: **Your cat is evil, it should be put down

**Rufus:** I will find you, Darknation will not be insulted

**Red: **Of course Rufus he's very precious

**Blondie: **You suck up

**The Vice president is on vacation, anyone who debates this can talk to department of administrative research - Tseng of the Turks**

**Shinra employee 456: **I doubt it, this company is trouble

**Red: **Uh fool don't state your employee number, though we'll gladly consult you on your thoughts and let you hear ours, come visit us.

**Shinra employee 456: **Uh...second thoughts...

**Tseng: **Good

**Stop breaking my sunglasses Reno! - Rude**

**Tseng: **Rude I appreciate your annoyance at Reno's action but consult me personally on such matters.

**Reno: **Hey not my fault I slipped

**Rude: **You said that 47 times already

**Reno: **Oh...

**Do not quote Loveless during missions; you do not want to end up like genesis- Sephiroth**

**Lovelessfanboy: **Why he's the greatest soldier ever

**Lovelessfanboy 79: **I joined SOLDIER for him

**Lovelessfan: **He's a god *blushing wildly*

**Zack: **Do they know he's dead?

**Lovelessfan: **He's not dead it's a lie!

**Zack: **Scary...

**Shinra is not killing the planet- president Shinra**

**RandomTurk: **Is that really a statement, I mean it's on posters everywhere

**Tseng: **Whoever you get back to work

**RandomTurk: **Fine...but seriously!

**Tseng: **...

**Tseng denies any claims that he wears a suit all day and everyday- Tseng**

**Rod: **Now that I think about it does he?

**Gun: **Why are we talking about this?

**Cissnei: **Because Zack brought it up

**Rod: **Ha now I'm interested, Zacks got a brain

**Zack: **Hey!

**Strip poker is not a way to pass time between missions, you know who you are. - Shocked employee**

**Katana: **Hey what we do in our spare time is no one's business

**Reno: **Yeah grow up

**Legend: **She or he should join us

**Knife: **You're all perverts


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own final fantasy 7 and never will; all BC and cc characters are property of Square Enix.**

**Rules and suggestions to survive Shinra chapter 2:**

**The following rules are not really rules but suggestions from employees in Shinra Electric company to other workers, Those that misuse this board will be turned over the to the department of administrative research.**

**Yelling we're all doomed and hiding under a desk is not a way to deal with a crisis**

**-Heidegger**

It worked though**- Domo**

That's against the point**- Reeve**

Yeah like you weren't hiding**-Mayor Domo**

We are awesome**- AnonymousTurk**

Be quiet Turk! -** SOLDIER2ndclass**

**NEVER ever paint president Shinras car lightish-red**

**-Presidents Shinras 1****st**** assistant**

You mean paint it pink- **Red**

It's not pink its lightish red!-**President Shinra**

Its pink...-**Rufus Shinra**

I concur- **Reeve**

Do you want to get paid- **President Shinra**

...- **Anonymous**

**Whoever put red dye in the Turks washing hand yourself in!, we will find you out if you don't.**

**-Verdot of the Turks**

That was funny, they should do it again-** Shinra employee 456**

You again!!!-** Verdot**

Eep!-** Shinra employee 456**

Ha I thought it rather suited the uniform-** Shotgun**

You're a girl-** Katana**

Sexist! -** Knife**

**Lazard is in no way related to the President, the president has never ever had any dodgy relationships.**

**- Presidents Shinras 2****nd**** assistant**

I'm not related to him, who started that rumour...interesting-**Lazard**

Hmm that's not bad for a rumour though-** Rufus**

Huh? -** Shinra employee 467**

Back to work all of you! -** President Shinra**

**Lazard did not like the new wallpaper in his office**

**-Sephiroth **

Really I picked it especially for him**- Random Shinraman**

Who are you**- Tseng of the Turks**

No one...*runs off*-** Random Shinraman**

Yes lightish red moogles are not amusing**- Lazard**

Why do all males call it _'lightish red'_ instead of pink-** Knife**

Because it's not dignifying**- Legend**

**Rude would like his limited edition set of wooden Yoko the chocobo chess pieces back ASAP**

**-Rude**

*sniggers* Yoko the chocobo-**Rod**

Isn't that for children**-Nunchaku**

Yeah i had one as a kid**- Shotgun**

Spoiled little rich girl...**-Rod**

Slum rat!**-Shotgun**

...**-Rude**

Get back to work-**Tseng**

**The next person to call Hojo **_**'Dr Jekyll'**_** and his assistant **_**'Mr Hyde' **_**will receive a one way ticket to Hojos human clone experiments!**

**-President Shinra**

I want to salute that guy-** AnonymousTurk**

Really do you want to be detailed to guarding Hojos lab Two guns**- Tseng**

How'd you find out who I was! -** AnonymousTurk**

Hmm quite simple really...-**Tseng**

Tseng wheres those papers that I wanted**-Verdot**

Ha he got you bossman**- Anonymous Turk**

That includes you**- Verdot**

**Please refrain from flirting with all female Turks.**

**-Verdot of the Turks**

Awww why I was enjoying the attention**-shotgun**

Speak for yourself its distracting having filthy perverts staring at you**-MATurk**

You need to live a little**- Shotgun**

You need to grow up**- MATurk**

Hey I was being nice about it!-**Shotgun**

More like immature**-Gun**

Uh let's not argue about this and act like Turks**- Knife**

No this is great a cat fight!-**Reno**

Your dead Reno!-**Gun**

*sigh*-**Cissnei **

**The **_**'Treasure princess'**_** is not a client of Shinra and any messages from her are to be deleted.**

**-Tseng of the Turks**

You mean the little kid that stole my materia-** Kunsel**

Grr that runt stole my Loveless book-** Genesis**

She did us a favour then-** Reno**

Why you!-**Genesis**

Oh her, she's the one with those pointless requests of finding treasure-**Zack**

What kind of treasure was this?-**Reeve**

Some old business reports and a adult magazine that belonged to Palmer-**Zack**

My magazine!-**Palmer**

**Do not give your numbers to little Wutei girls**

**-Lazard**

We know-**Angeal**

Who gave her my number?-**Zack**

Rufus I think, next time let Darknation scratch you Zack-**Angeal**

No that cat was evil-**Zack**

I did not!-**Rufus**

I found it on a phone some stupid SOLDIER dropped**- Treasure Princess**

How'd she get on here!-**Lazard**

**No food fights in the executive cafeteria, you should all know better!**

**-President Shinra**

Scarlet started it-** Heidegger**

No you useless man, Palmer split his lard in my dress! -** Scarlet**

Don't blame me, I just wanted extra lard in my tea-** Palmer**

No wonder you look like a freak-** Scarlet**

People lets act like civilised people-** Reeve**

You didn't even try to stop us-**Heidegger**

You are all fools-**Lazard**

Agreed-**verdot**

Your both just minions**-Scarlet**

Ah but more intelligent than you and your meaningless weapons-** Hojo**

Enough!-**President Shinra**

**No water fights in the Weapons development area, it harms and damages the machines!**

**-Scarlet**

Yeah and your such a great example-**Shinraworker**

If I find you consider yourself fired-**Scarlet**

Whatever follow you own advice-** Shinraworker**

Her weapons are futile anyway-** Hojo**

Go back to your lab Dr Jekyll-**Scarlet**

**Scarlet did not get into her job by getting into the Presidents pants.**

**-Scarlet's assistant**

Pff yeah right...-**Anonymous**

Everyone knows she knows all the executives except Reeve in a _'special way'_-**Anonymous2**

Really? -** Newbie**

Poor naive person-** Anonymous2 **

**Heidegger is a great leader and knows exactly what he's doing, so don't question my orders.**

**-Heidegger**

And he needs to promote himself a true sign of leadership-**Reno**

You Turks are useless anyway Gwa ha ha-** Heidegger**

He even uses the laugh on this how un-poetic-**Genesis**

Genesis your needed!-**Angeal**

**Palmer does not resemble a science experiment gone wrong nor does he resemble Egor from that horror film that showed last week!**

**-President Shinras 3****rd**** assistant**

He does though**- Rod**

He looks like Egors twin aged by 30 years- **Anonymous**

It's the lard in his tea-** Scarlet**

We actually agree on something**- Rod**

Don't get used to it Turk**- Scarlet**

**Do not fantasize kicking Heidegger down the stair of the Shinra building!**

**-Tseng of the Turks**

Awww why not-** Rod**

Yeah makes it so much more worthwhile-** Reno**

...I agree- **Rude**

Yeah it'd be funny-** Nunchaku**

You all have way too much time- **Gun**

**Angeal pets are not allowed even if the puppy is adorable and bites your fans. **

**-Lazard**

But I need it to fend the fans off me!- **Angeal**

You mean Zack-** Genesis**

Not funny Genesis, it's my pet puppy a very rare breed-** Angeal**

I don't care what breed it is, it has to go-** Lazard**

But Rufus has a pet**- Genesis**

He's the President's son! -** Lazard**


	3. Chapter 4

Rules to survive Shinra chapter 4

The author wish's to express that she does not own final fantasy 7 or any of the following character, this message was delivered via Shinra electric company's community board thank you for listening...

-Tseng

Would someone please give me back... my straightners. My hair is going Mad. I  
need them. -Sephiroth.

Genesis: I knew it! I fucking KNEW it! What did I tell you Angeal?

Angeal: I had always wondered *Chuckles*

Sephiroth: Give them back Genesis! Or I shall make you suffer.

Genesis: Whoa! What makes you think I've got 'em?

Zack: *Sniggers*

Sephiroth: ZACK!

Zack: Oh shit- *runs*

Sephiroth: Run puppy run. I'll get you.

Genesis: I am SOOO telling that turk who fangirls over you and Tseng!

Sephiroth: ...

Evil monkeys do not exist nor do they throw paper darts at rookie Turks, Reno if you're going to scare Elena come up with something original –Tseng

Reno: yes they do, it ate my paperwork

Elena: I'm not stupid

Tseng: I'm pleased there's one Turk around here with intelligence...

Reno: but boss!

Labs do not blow themselves up even if its Hojos lab, he's an experienced if not...strange scientist I doubt he'd sabotage his own lab!

Hojo: I demand the culprit hand himself in!

*silence*

Just because your apartment is being fixed does not mean you can sleep in the office...only overworked employees can do that

Elena: who did that?

Tseng: Reno...

The rumour that the glass door entrance is cursed is false all those who complained learn to focus on your surroundings

Zack: But it locked me out I swear

Sephiroth: What time was this?

Zack: Um late ...you called me in remember

Sephiroth: The door locks at 10pm you should have a key card what happened to that

Zack: I lost it...

Sephiroth: ...

Elena...female Turks are not required to wear short skirts at all times, you should know this considering your sister never wore a short skirt

Elena: But Reno said it was a new rule

Tseng: There is no such rule

Reno: *chuckling* hey it was entertaining

Rude: ...*nods*

Elena: Reno!

On a further note going to the local store to get the latest copy of your 'adult' magazine is not a duty that one gives to a rookie Turk Reno!

Elena: He lied...I thought so...

Reno: Hey i was stuck in the infirmary boss

Tseng: That's not a reason to lie to Elena

Rude: ...

The matrix does not exist and no the Turks are not agent smith clones nor are we 'men in black' whatever that is

Genesis: they look like it to me

Tseng: genesis is dead

Genesis: loveless will never die *logs out*

Elena: ?

Lovelessfan20: Nothing beats loveless

Lovelessfanboy: Yeah

Elena: I liked that play

Reno: Elena we need to educate you on a few things

Rude: ...

Jumping on trains is not an advisable move...please don't copy Avalance it does not make you look cool

Shinraemployee224: But it made that ex SOLDIER look cool

Tseng: That's against the point...and he's not Ex SOLDIER

Elena: Jumping on trains is not only stupid, it's a criminal offence, the penalty is a 6000gil fine

Shinraemployee224: Party pooper

The door that sealed on the lobby floor is not a top secret lab, it's a sewer entrance would certain employees stop trying to break it down, Scarlet and Heidegger were just inspecting the pipes.

Reeve: ...

Rufus: Why were they doing that, isn't it an infantry man's job or a plumber's job!

Heidegger: Scarlet was drunk

Rufus: So you entered the sewers after her?

Heidegger: Yes

Scarlet: No how dare you...you were the drunk one

PresidentShinra: No drinking in company hours

Elena: ...I'm just confused

Tseng: Let's stay that way...

Hojo stop selling your failed experiments to Don Corneo, we don't approve even if hes got strange sense of pets

Elena: He likes those things...eww

Hojo: I prefer the term specimens

Elena:...he's never going to find a wife with that kind of taste

Reeve: no she commited suicide

Professer Hojo please stop creating mutating furniture...the couche was not a brilliant invention Rufus would like to express that if you do that again to his 'pet' Darknation you'll be fired, this includes Scarlet we know she was in on it too.

Hojo: I deny this, I do not deal in such foolish experiments,

Rufus: So you deny this

Hojo: Yes you have no scientific evidence

Tseng: ...

Rufus: Stay away from Darknation


	4. Chapter 3 the correct one

**Rules to survive Shinra chapter 3: **

**I do not own ff7 or before crisis.**

**These rules are suggestions from Shinra employees to other shinra employees; Shinra Electric Company takes no responsibility for consequences of the actions these rules may cause. Post at your own risk, if found to be breaching Shinra company act 778 you will be terminated or fired, feel free to express your opinions freely.-President Shinras Assistant**

**Anonymous-I wasn't aware there were that many Rules.**

**Tseng of the Turks- A Turk is required to be able to quote all the rules, I will talk to you later and we'll make sure you can memorise them...Nunchaku**

Nunchaku- Not fair its Rafe who posted that!

Anonymous- Thanks Nunchaku now we're both in it.

Tseng of the Turks- See me in my office ASAP

**Do not wake Veld or Tseng up at 10 minutes past 4 in the morning**

-Tseng of the Turks

Reno- Yeah they get real grouchy

Shotgun- Really what about missions?

Rod- Funny they don't mind waking me at 2 am for a damn mission

Tseng of the Turks- Missions are not optional all who Turks must do their jobs regardless of the hour it is assigned to.

Rod- Except yourself and Veld though

Veld- yes...

**Don't reprogram Cait Sith to make rude remarks about Scarlet and Heidegger Cissnei**

-Tseng of the Turks

Cissnei- Huh when did i do that?

Tseng- Hmmm seems you didn't...Reno!

**Rufus does not need advice on how to get a girlfriend neither does he need an official pass for the honey bee inn!**

-Veld

Rod- oh who did that ha ha oh man that's funny?

Rafe- what can I say he needed the help...wait...

Rod- *hides snickers* busted

Veld- ...my office

**Mobiles and Laptops are company property and are meant for doing work**

**-the IT department**

Gun- there's an IT department?

IT department manager- yes there is why does no one respect us!

Knife- because you're on the 5th floor that means your unimportant i mean the infantry are higher up than you...

Cloud- that's not cool Zack said we're strong too

IT department- just watch yourselves Turks

**Don't use your company computers to download illegal data or pictures of Scarlet from ...well you where! - Scarlet's assistant**

Rod- Oh i knew she did something to get in the job...

Scarlet- would you like to test out our latest robot weapon Turk boy

Rod- Oh look at the time...got to go work

Legend- I saw that photo it was nice...

Gun- I didn't want to know that

Palmer does not need plastic surgery –Palmers bodyguard

Kunsel- really i thought he did

Luxene- i agree everyone thinks he does

Kunsel- hey where are the Turks gone?

Tseng- working

**Whoever it was who let a drunk Legend loose with fireworks last night report to Velds office on the Turk floor there's a 45 000 Gil fine for damages to be paid- Veld**

Kunsel- who's Legend?

Luxene- oh that overrated Turk with the sunglasses

Kunsel- Rude?

Rude- ...

Legend- that was fun if i could remember it... damn hangover...

**The Turks will desist in hacking into and changing the settings in the SOLDIER training room, Genesis did not enjoy fighting a hologram of the hero from Loveless.-Lazard**

Rod- Hey don't blame us why'd we do that anyway

Nunchaku- I like Loveless

Gun- it's good for those who appreciate works of Literature

Rod- what's that mean are you implying something Gun!

**Don't blame your complete incompetence with computers on us Turk you SOLDIER losers!-Rod**

Genesis- incompetence often denies its own blame...

Rod- that made no sense

Genesis- it does to an intelligent mind

Angeal- Genesis...stop confusing the poor Turk

Genesis- true such a waste of time

No fighting amongst the Turks and the SOLDIERS as well as the IT department –Rufus

Reno- they just can't stand to lose

Genesis- my foe you are the one who shalt lose

Angeal- ...why the IT department?

Rod- good question i mean we can beat them easily

Zack- oh can I join can I Angeal can I

Angeal- *sighs* come along puppy

Rod- well that ruined the fun...


End file.
